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Monday, May 07, 2007 | 12:26 PM

I'm against myself again.


It gets kind of annoying when you keep hearing someone complain about how screwed their papers are, only to find when the results are released that they scored an A. It's all the more demoralizing when the results come in halfway - during the exam period, still - because it just does so much to my confidence. Really sorry, I've to express this, or it'll never get off my chest. Too much of a burden. Anyway similarly, I'm not going to complain about Physics today. Though I can say that unanimously everyone (almost) agreed it was tougher than last year. I always seem to have the weirdest judgements for all papers; can't tell which year's the "easier" one. Prolly 'cause I never study enough to know the level of difficulty anyway.
Nonetheless, 7 down, 1 to go

Now it's more of getting through the papers than anything else; don't think I'm really giving it my all. To say that I can do better would be a total understatement, but on the other hand, it's very often just lip service and nothing more. When will I ever "wake", or so they say? It's really unnerving the fact that my parents - no, the world, actually - determines success in terms of academic grades. I'm incapable of perfect scores, yet I am sure I'm not the worse in this entire universe, contrary to what my parents make me sound like. It robs my esteem, and blame always goes to my "activities". No, these "activities" are not the cause of my poor scores. Can they not just be supportive, for once, about the things that I do best? People say that you do things best with passion. Certainly it cannot be a crime if I feel most attached to these.. "activities". To say I'm going to flunk Os is totally off, and it sucks all the more when I don't see anything coming out from them. Screw. The incident that happened on Saturday wasn't meant to be mentioned but I guess someone did today while we were going home so I just broke down again. Funny, how I cannot imagine myself to be so afflicted by it. Though I enjoyed the escape, away from everything and everyone. Maybe that's where I really find myself. Shall consider locking myself in and being anti-social when Os come 'round.

Someone with an extremely ostentatious nature told me recently to "keep life simple". Was overturned. Firstly, odd how it's coming from someone whom I'm not very sure does the same. Or prolly has been trying to change, so I can't judge. But more importantly, it made me consciously acknowledge some things about myself. My life, isn't simple and prolly will never be. It's horribly complicated yet, so empty. I momentarily forgot what I'm lacking.

It's not really easy to be motivated when everything else is just weighing me down now. Strange how I'm feeling so pressured. I appreciate the concern, but sometimes it's so difficult to say I'm more pressured by your intellect than anything else. You keep thinking it's the system, the content or the parents but hell no. Don't you see that your mere existence is cause for this hollow skull's breakdown? So I must be really daft, to be not able to join y'all at Hwa Chong or something. Damn it. I must really chew over the anti-socialism contention, 'cause soon enough I'll just die from all this stress. Everyday, everyone, everywhere.

That's a whole lot off me. No more tears on this face. Now time to prove.